5 Signs the Meth Addict on the Bus Does NOT Want To Sleep With You
Let’s face it, ladies. The reason you get on the bus is to find romance.
Sure, you could say you’re using the bus because you got lost trying to find a book fair and realized you were actually at the wrong address, and now you have to go a mile and a half out of your way, which was super annoying, but we both know better than that. You got on the bus hoping to catch someone’s eye. You want to trade glances with someone who has that spark. That instant, unspeakable connection.
Unfortunately, the guy who captured your attention is in the final throes of what appears to be a decades-long meth bender, and he’s sending, to say the least, mixed signals.
We’ve all been there. You see someone, in this case, a guy, who is perfect. He’s unnaturally skinny with unsettlingly toned arms and a ripped black t-shirt that’s turned inside out. His jaw bones look exposed, and his skin is just scar tissue at this point. Sunk-in eyes. The total package. He’s exactly your type. But maybe you aren’t his.
Don’t worry! It’s not your fault. It is what it is. The only thing that could be your fault is if you take your attraction to him too far and mistake his unrequited love for playing hard to get. Don’t make a fool of yourself chasing after someone who doesn’t want to be chased.
But how can you tell for sure?
Look out for these five signs that the meth addict on the bus does not want to sleep with you.
5. He keeps punching the empty seat next to him and looking at a guy three seats behind him
This is probably the fastest way to tell that you aren’t on his radar. He’s likely to engage in this behavior immediately if he isn’t taken with you.
He’ll start slapping the seat next to him seemingly randomly (how mysterious), but it isn’t random. His brain is going through a nightmare of his own making and taking it out on his body. Yelling at the guy three seats behind him and not even looking at you once definitely stings, though.
He might say something like “How’s the band, eh? Hey, how’s the band, eh? How is it? The band. Mother fucker. How is the band?” to him. The guy behind him isn’t in a band, but he does have headphones on, which indicates that he probably likes music, so he should be prepared for this line of questioning even if the person asking it isn’t making eye contact with him at all. Try not to hate him for being so oblivious. Some people get all the luck.
4. He suddenly yells, ‘I wouldn’t fuck her in the ass for two hours even if she paid me to’ at the rest of the bus
We’ve all said things to our crush that we don’t mean. I remember the first time I was attracted to a girl, and when asked if I liked her, I said, “What? No,” and nervously tried to change the subject, which is basically the same thing that’s going on here. Except, he won’t change the subject, at least for a little while.
He is probably going to repeat himself three or four times and look around at other guys on the bus as if they’ll agree or even look back at him. He’ll probably add, “I don’t let females control me like that. Nope,” or “That bitch with her twenty-dollar makeup ain’t shit.” You’ll find yourself wondering if maybe he doesn’t mean it and if he actually DOES like you.
But he does mean it, and you should be grateful that someone is finally being honest for once in this crazy, mixed-up world. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but you have to believe people when they tell you they “wouldn’t fuck you in the ass for two hours even if you paid [them] to.”
3. He got frightened by his own voice when he yelled too close to a window
Even if he was in the mood, this is an instantaneous boner-killer. He yells “shit” or something similar really loud right next to the window, distracted by something outside, and the concussion of his words bouncing back at him makes him say “shit” again but quietly this time because he rattled his spirit with his own feedback a moment earlier.
He’ll be experiencing the equivalent of Tom Hanks’ character Captain Miller in “Saving Private Ryan,” when that explosion goes off by his head on the beaches of Normandy. It’s best to leave him to heal on his own. He needs time to recuperate from turning the gun on himself, so to speak. But if he starts yelling at the bus again and hasn’t done anything else on this list, then consider yourself back in the game, champ.
2. He spits on the floor
He could be about to vomit, or it could be a tic, or he could just really like spitting on the floor. Either way, people don’t spit on the floor of a bus when they’re trying to impress a lady. Don’t hook up with a guy who spits on the bus floor. You’re better than that.
1. He said he would rather jack off thinking about you at 3 a.m. alone in his bathroom when he’s high on coke later
This is probably the nicest way he could let you down. Whether he’ll actually be thinking about you will always be up for debate because, as he implied, you will sadly not be present for it.
You can assume that he loves being high on coke at 3 a.m., though, so the fact that he would include you in that is an honor. It’s a treat for him, so this isn’t a loss for you at all. It honestly sounds better than being there. You still get to be involved, and you don’t have to deal with whatever cursed corner of the world “being there” would subject you to.
Being there sounds awful to me, but, of course, I’m not you, someone who absolutely does want to be there. You’ll be there in spirit, though, and that’s something you can think about while you’re doing whatever you have to do to get this potent lust out of your system when you get home.
Hold on to his memory with fondness and move on because, like with most meth users on the bus, after today, you will never see him again. He belongs to the stars.
Remember: Don’t worry! You’re hot, and someone else on the bus will be staring at you in no time. They probably already are.