5 Simple Tips for A Successful Arranged Marriage with Your Step-Grandpa

It finally happened. Your grandmother passed away and per her legal will you now have to marry her second husband, your step-grandpa. Everyone knows you don’t want to do it, but let’s face it, you live in a Mormon community in Utah, and you don’t have a choice.

After a full year of fighting the inevitable, you crumble to the wishes of a deceased mentally ill woman and agree to marry an 86-year-old man who shockingly wants to have sex with you even though he changed your diapers a couple of times when you were a baby. Time to block out the haters who think it’s weird and get to work. Here are five simple tips to make the transition into married life a little easier.

1.) Remember that he will die soon.

It can be difficult to keep your eyes on the prize. Remember that your step-grandpa will soon pass on, and then you will have access to his wealth, making it possible to start a new life where you can bang whatever aged adult you want. Good things come to those who wait.

2.) Go somewhere else during the day.

The early daylight hours are when seniors are at their best and brightest. Make sure to miss these hours by either sleeping in late or going somewhere else. You’re probably thinking, “But I go somewhere else in my mind every minute of every day.” Physically taking your body somewhere else can elevate the stress of having to see and smell a man who is basically holding you as his sex prisoner in a way that simply leaving your body could never achieve. Although your step-grandpa is retired, you’re of working age, and getting a demanding job that requires too much of your personal time can be a real lifesaver. Looks like someone is gunning for a raise!

3.) Don’t cook.

Men love food, so why make it? I suggest just kind of sitting on the couch until dinner time and then suggesting takeout. Now, he may become aggressive due to hunger, but remember, you’re in the best shape of your life. You can, and always should be ready to destroy him in a physical altercation. If you feel comfortable, consider exhibiting small demonstrations of dominance around the house to condition him to be afraid of how strong you are. That’ll shut him up when dinner rolls around. Maybe while you’re out of the house, take a self-defense class, spot a few cuties at the gym for later, and then eat in your car on the way home. Support local food workers by using his money to order Chinese food every night for the next 3-15 years.

4.) Movie night!

Nothing puts people to sleep faster than the pacing and artistic vision of a critically acclaimed film. Your man is no exception to the rule, but be careful. You too may succumb to unconsciousness in response to movies with run times just under three hours, making you think they’re only two hours. Like they’re gas prices or something. If your man wants to bone, tell him you two should have a movie night, and then revel in the sound of him sleeping on the couch while you text your friends some exhaustive details cataloging the IRL horror film of your daily existence.

5.) Blowjobs.

Here’s the deal. You’ll have to bang occasionally. That’s just the way it is. Obviously, you should say that you’re tired as often as possible, but that plan won’t work every time. There are books titled Sex After 90 and Karma Sutra for Seniors, so we know that older people are smashing. It’s confirmed. Just a fact of life. Blowjobs are a great way to keep penises out of your vagina and away from your eggs. This tip comes with a downside, however, being that you’ll have to put your step-grandpa’s penis in your mouth. Luckily, older men typically fall into two categories. They’re either going to cum immediately or it will take them hours to cum. If they cum immediately, then great. It’s over. If they take hours to cum, don’t worry, you can just do it for a little bit before saying you’re tired and going to bed. They’ll most likely understand and finish themselves off. There are tons of playlists specifically curated to block out the loud grunting that will be taking place beside you. Throw back a THC gummy, slap on some RC headphones, and groove out!

Mazel! You made it. I think you two are going to work out just fine. These tips aren’t the only tools necessary for building a strong relationship with your step-grandfather and new husband, but they’ll get you started. Make sure to sound off in the comments with your OWN tips, and get the conversation rolling with a community of similarly trapped young women. Remember that although marriage may be the end of the beginning for you, it’s the beginning of the end for him. Your late grandmother would be proud. Which is insane.

Go get ‘em!