So, you bought a train whistle in Lake Geneva. It’s fine! Hey, there is nothing wrong with that. People do it all the time.
Getting home from a much needed vacation can be upsetting. You’re returning to the everyday grind, no longer wrapped up in the dream of that blissful escape into parts unknown.
The best way to avoid these depressing feelings is to allow that wonderful vacation to bleed into your home life in the form of a few purchased memories.
You bought a train whistle from one of the many little shops in Lake Geneva that all sell virtually the same knick-knacks and tie-dye hoodies that line the bloated, mostly privately-owned shores of that overrated watering hole. It’s okay.
We’ve all drank two Caronas and two Allagash Whites and thought that our 650-square-foot apartment in the city could use another thing that makes noise. God knows you and your partner only get to hear the real trains that run above your building every thirty minutes. That simply isn’t enough.
This might be surprising, but some people actually don’t like train whistles. The way they mimic a train’s whistle can be a polarizing experience.
I’m not saying your partner is in this hideous minority of probably ugly people who have nonsense where their brains should be, but here are a few things you can do to make absolutely sure they aren’t.
Here are seven things to do with a train whistle your partner will love.
7. Make it sound like a choo-choo
This is obvious. It’s going to be the first thing anybody does with a train whistle that can even remotely do what its name implies. If your partner is like most people, they’ll be delighted by the cozy, Americana sound of a train, or “choo-choo,” as you will no doubt be calling it.
I suggest blowing into it twice, pretty close together, with the second blow being longer than the first. That’ll make for a really good choo-choo sound.
6. Make it sound like a choo-choo again
Why not? You’ve got a train whistle. Blow on that thing again. You paid, what, $9 for it? Yeah, definitely blow on that thing again. You earned it, and it’ll set the stage perfectly for the next step.
5. Make it sound like a choo-choo one more time
Doing it three times is key. If your partner didn’t like the second time or even the first time, no idea why that would be the case, but if it happens, this third one will bring it around and break down that frosty exterior.
“How’d you get so cold, baby? We just got back from the lake! Trains leavin’ the station!” you can say to your partner if they need a gentle push over the edge into enjoying themselves at your mercy. Nobody is immune to the power of something happening three times. They will smile.
4. Put it down
This is the most important step that people get tripped up on very easily. Your instinct is going to be to keep tootin’ that thing. And boy, does it sound good. But you have to put it down because that instinct is bad and wrong.
Unfortunately, there isn’t a trick or easy path to completing this one. You’re just going to have to do it. It’s going to take sheer discipline and willpower. Even if you think your partner wants more, trust me, they don’t. You’re going to exhaust anyone who was within earshot of the first three rounds of choo-choo double-blows.
Patience. Put it back in its box and place it somewhere in the living room where it fits into the décor. It doesn’t have to go too far away. It’ll be back.
Whatever you have to do to make this step work, this is the time to go for it. It kind of looks like a dick, so feel free to get creative with that.
Your partner will be loosened up by realizing they liked the whistle after three rounds of blowing, and they’ll be edging when they witness your restraint while you put it away. Your respective genitals will be hard and/or wet, and the whistle basically did that for you, so why not incorporate it in some way?
That part, however, is up to you. I’m not going to sit here and tell you how to have sex with a train whistle. I’m honestly uncomfortable just writing about it. But it is undeniably the third thing that is on this list of seven things, and thus, it deserves respect.
2. Throw it away
You’re not going to want to toot that thing anymore after the last thing. And your partner is definitely over it at this point. Throw it away. They want you to throw it away. What, are you going to have guests toot on your sex train whistle when they come over? Are you sick?
I once knew a girl who would masturbate with the same cucumber for, like, a long time, and when her friends found it, it was moldy. That probably won’t happen here, but I just wanted to tell that story. Do us all a favor, and throw it away.
1. Buy another train whistle
Go back to Lake Geneva and repeat.
Now that you know all the things you hate about Lake Geneva, like the elitism and blatant wealth disparity between the people who live there and the people who vacation there and own most of the land, and how much of an absolute disappointment the public swimming areas are, you can go directly to the one cantina you like, fill up on a bloody mary, two Dos Equis, and a margarita, and stumble next door to ask if a store that primarily sells local honey, wine glasses that say “it’s wine o’clock” or “mommy’s cup” on them, and wallets if they have train whistles.
They will. And your partner will thank you.