American Census Reveals Cool People Spaced on It Again

UNITED STATES — The republican states Texas and Florida will gain congressional seats, while democratic states California and New York will lose political influence due to the most recent census numbers and experts believe that it’s because a lot of cool American citizens spaced on it again. “It sucks because cool people just have better stuff to do than filling out the census,” Mike Duffey, 55, lead data analyst for the United States Census Bureau told reporters, “They forget to do it, because they’re living their lives, and then a bunch of lame ass republicans get more representation. It really sucks.” The census shows the US population has increased by 7.4% since 2010 and currently stands at 331,449,281. This increase in population size is the slowest since the Great Depression during the 1930s. However, southern states are increasing in population much faster with the leader among them being Utah with a growth rate of 18.4%. Again, experts agree it’s due to the fact most people in Utah are lame. “Bunch of lame assholes,” Duffey continued, “Lame ass people are the only ones that want to do the paperwork, so there you go. Also, the economy sucks shit right now. I don’t want to have kids either, so I don’t blame cool younger people. Fuck this country.” Data analysts report that the total number of American citizens is probably under reported, but the number will even out once more cool people either move to a different country or commit suicide.