Arthur Retires in Response to US Withdrawal from Afghanistan
UNITED STATES — After PBS announced that its beloved animated series Arthur would be ending in 2022 after airing for 25 seasons, the titular star of the show and longtime republican angrily divulged in an interview the real reason behind the show’s end. “I don’t think the troops should have left Afghanistan,” Arthur, an 8-year-old aardvark, told Fox News, “That’s the real reason I stepped away. I said that’s it. Taliban’s taking over. We should be teaching kids how to shoot rather than some bullshit about homework or whatever.” President Biden has defended the decision to remove US military presence from Afghanistan, stating that no amount of sustained American presence there could resolve the country’s own intractable problems and that American resources were better focused elsewhere. Pressed on the likelihood of a total Taliban takeover, Biden said nothing in Afghanistan’s history suggested there was anything the US could do about it. The issue is now in the hands of the capable and well-armed Afghan military. “D.W. isn’t actually my little sister, by the way. We fuck, “Arthur continued, pointing at a lightbulb before drunkenly standing up and walking out of the interview to scream at people in the hallway, “Everybody should be fucking, because terrorists are going to take over now that there’s a pussy in office! I know I’m safe, but are you?” Arthur reportedly left the studio and attempted to drive home before getting pulled over and arrested for operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated. D.W., who plays Arthur’s precocious little sister in the series, could not be reached for comment.
