Attention Starved Stars Eager to Do Whatever the Hell Oscars Are Going to Be This Year

UNITED STATES — The Academy Awards Ceremony or “Oscars” as it's commonly called is set to take place in person on Sunday split between two venues in Los Angeles, the Dolby Theater and Union Station. “Who gives a shit?” Miranda Bloom, 34, a teacher in Chicago, wrote on Twitter, “India is having a literal oxygen crisis and we are on the verge of the water wars. Trial of the Chicago 7 was a dog shit movie and Aaron Sorkin sucks his own dick. His production just fucked up a street near my school and they had background actors standing around in t-shirts in below-freezing temperatures for like ten hours. Do we have to act like he did something amazing? Honestly, how could anyone give a fuck about this asinine shit?” Organizers of the event have stated that they want stars to avoid using Zoom or any other digital communication services and come to the event so that they can get higher ratings and more money from advertisers. “We went to great lengths to make sure the ceremony will be safe and enjoyable for everyone involved,” said Don Baum, 52, lead organizer of the event, “so hopefully we can make a lot more money this year than we did last year, which is, of course, our primary concern.” The Academy Awards will begin at some point Sunday evening, but most sources reported forgetting the exact time.