UNITED STATES — In the newest effort by the US government to increase COVID-19 vaccination rates across the country, President Joseph Biden has announced that he will not physically harm people who get the vaccine. However, the rest of the country better watch their backs. “How about the incentive to get vaccinated is that I won’t kick your ass if you do it?” an exhausted Biden said during a live national address, “We tried money. Now we’re going to try Joe’s way, and Joe’s way says that if you don’t get vaccinated before the end of August, then I’ll come to your house and personally whip your ass.” According to sources close to the widely popular 78-year-old democratic head of state, Biden has beat up over 20 people in his past and is perfectly capable of going door to door and rumbling with any sort of anti-vax riff-raff residing within each home. Just under half of the US population is currently vaccinated against COVID-19, causing a recent uptick in cases and the accelerated spread of Coronavirus variants. The government recently offered $100 to citizens who refused to get vaccinated as a vaccination incentive but quickly ended the campaign after meeting a few of the wildly annoying people who would be receiving that money. Biden is expected to begin knocking down doors and “straight mopping candy ass anti-vaxxers” whenever he feels like it around the beginning of September.