Bill and Melinda Gates Divorce After Disagreement Over Tracking Devices in COVID-19 Vaccines
UNITED STATES — Bill Gates, the fourth richest man in the world and founder of Microsoft, the largest tech giant in the world, has announced that he and his wife Melinda will be separating after 27 years of marriage. “You want the truth?” Bill asked reporters next to a trash can outside of his Washington home on Monday, “We were trying to put tracking devices in vaccines and Melinda wouldn’t keep her fuckin’ mouth shut about it.” The Gates family has been the centerpiece for various conspiracy theories throughout the past few decades, the predominant one recently being that Microsoft is putting tracking devices in COVID-19 vaccinations. This theory was thought to be silly and redundant by many US citizens, the primary counterargument being that there is already a tracking device in everyone’s phone, but Bill rattled the country by confirming its validity. “Melinda disagreed with me and now her ass is kicked to the curb just like this fucking garbage,” Gates told reporters before impotently dropping what appeared to be a very heavy trash bag into a wet plastic bin outside of his $127million garage, “Good day to you all.” Reporters opened the trash bag to find 500 unopened vials of the Coronavirus vaccine. Melinda publicly defended her husband’s potential use of COVID-19 vaccine tracking devices in an interview stating, “That technology doesn’t even exist yet, and Bill hasn’t said anything to me about it, so it probably isn’t real.” That comment is what apparently sent Bill over the edge because it made the Gates family look more guilty than ever when it should have been just a slam dunk of an easy answer. A representative from the CDC announced on Tuesday that the COVID-19 vaccination process is now on pause to sort out the matter and people who have already received the vaccine will be eligible to undergo free surgery to take the tracking device out of their body. Pop-up tracking device removal surgery sites have already begun operations throughout most of the southern United States.