Business Foolishly Boards Up Windows As If People Would Loot It Anyway

Pictured: A boarded up business that rioters probably wouldn’t even loot anyway.

CHICAGO, IL — Ahead of election day on November 3, businesses across the United States have boarded up their windows in anticipation of violence. Regardless of who wins the upcoming presidential election, federal riot control officers have been deployed to major metropolitan areas to restrict any sort of expression, and probably just start violence on their own. Pot Belly, a midwestern sub sandwich chain, joined the effort to protect its business despite the fact that many people in the community have expressed that they would not loot it even if they had the chance. “What would be in there? Like forty bucks and a room full of uneven tables?” said Marcus Banks, 29, a local podcast editor who admitted to looting businesses during the riots in Chicago a few months earlier caused by the murder of George Floyd by a police officer, “There’s a soda machine that needs a key to be turned on, and a FULL trash can in there. That’s all that’s in that fucking place. It sucks.” Everyone who spoke to us, shared Banks’ sentiment. “I would hit up the Apple store if shit went down,” said Jeffery Pinto, 35, a democrat who would be open to rioting if Trump wins the election, “Pot Belly would literally have like an empty walk-in cooler with a bunch of weed ash on the ground. Like, we might go to jail for this, why would we even bother with that?” Police have stated that business owners will be allowed to shoot people without threat of prosecution until January 20, 2021.

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