Capitol Rioters Sentenced to Stay at Mar-a-Lago

UNITED STATES — In the first round of historical legal decisions regarding the violent January 6th insurrection attempt at the US capitol building, four perpetrators have been sentenced to spend ten years living at Mar-a-Lago, a seedy resort owned by disgraced former president and capitol rioter ringleader Donald Trump. “This is the first of many important verdicts that will be taught in schools for centuries to come,” Mark Delaney, a witness inside the courtroom, told journalists after the court was adjourned for the day, “and I think people will study it is because it was weird as hell. Those guys are just going to stay at Mar-a-Lago? I mean, yeah, it’s a shithole, but it’s not prison. Kind of a bullshit call, honestly.” Verdicts are being assigned to capitol rioters in groups to expedite the process, a move that some lawmakers have called “weird” and “I think this might be illegal, but whatever.” The first group of rioters consisted of four men, all in their forties, from Idaho, Georgia, Texas, and Florida. The Floridian, hailing from the state where Mar-a-Lago is located, was reportedly the most distressed by the verdict upon its announcement. The rioters will be allowed to interact with Donald Trump during their ten-year mandatory stay at his resort, but experts agree that the disgraced former head of state will most likely avoid them. Critics of the decision say that Mar-a-Lago is too nice for the domestic terrorist group, but members of congress who have stayed there maintain that even spending a weekend there is ample punishment for any crime.

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