Childless Man Misses Halloween as If He Was Going to Do Anything Anyway
CHICAGO, IL — Coronavirus has canceled Halloween for most American cities, and people are not happy about it. “I didn’t do anything last year, or the year before that, so I was super pumped to go to a party or something this year because I was definitely going to,” Shane Louis, 34, told a local news outlet, “too bad COVID-19 ruined it.” Parents across Chicago have said they will still be participating in trick-or-treating this year. “I would love to not do anything this year,” Maurice Jones, a father of three, said at a city council meeting last week, “but you can’t tell kids that. They want candy and they want people to see their costumes. Single people want to fuck each other so they’re gonna do that whether or not we stop the parties. It’s a shit show.” Louis maintains that he hasn’t left his apartment because of the pandemic, which is a huge change to his normal routine. “Normally I’m like, going out all the time, seeing people, loving life,” he continued, “But not this year. Yep, Coronavirus certainly is the reason I am not doing all the fun stuff I usually do.” Louis is planning on making popcorn and watching a movie tonight like he has done on most nights throughout the vast majority of his life.
