China Asks US if It Wants to “Cyber”
UNITED STATES — China has officially asked the United States if it wants to “cyber” online in a move that many leaders are calling dangerous and weird. “They want to cyber with us, but we don’t know how crazy they want to get,” Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin told reporters during a press conference Monday, “Like, we don’t want to get too graphic and then have them pull back, so right now, we’re just hinting hand jobs and talking about rubbing each other’s chest and the Chinese government seems pretty turned on by it.” “Cybering” is a term used to describe the act of exchanging sexual messages or information via the internet. It can also be used to describe sexual activity performed remotely by means of virtual reality equipment, but the US has stated that China explicitly wants to remain in chat before taking things further. The request comes after numerous accusations against China for hacking into Microsoft and other major US companies. Global allies have warned the US that its cybering relationship with China is a distraction and that the Asian superpower does not actually care if the US cums. “We’re hoping to deescalate the situation and slowly ween off of chatting in sexually explicit ways with the Chinese government, of course,” Austin continued, “but it’s tough because these guys seriously know how to get us hard, but totally, like Joe Biden always says, we need to focus on boosting cybersecurity, not Chinese boners.” Sources close to the White House have reported that China and the US have been engaged in hot and heavy cybering for over 48 hours, and things are getting pretty serious. However, allies of the US maintain that the relationship isn’t real and the US needs to actually go out with somebody in real life.