China’s Rover Agrees to Fight Other Rovers on Mars in Live Event for YouTube Premium

Pictured: Zhurong rover touching down on Mars to whip some ass.

TECH — China announced shortly after 7:00 local time on Saturday that its Zhurong rover landed safely in the Utopia Planitia region of Mars with the mission of surveying the area for the next 90 days. “Before we begin sampling the surface of Mars and join our American allies in advancing global understanding of the red planet,” an anonymous scientist involved with the mission told international news outlets, “we are contractually obligated to do this event for YouTube Premium where all the robots fight each other. It’s going to be like Battle Bots but with robots that aren’t built for fighting. Like how Jake Paul boxes people who don’t box. Apparently, there’s a lot of money in it.” The fight is scheduled to take place Sunday evening near the area where Zhurong landed because Utopia Planitia was voted the most “badass” name for a fight location via a Twitter poll that attracted over 42 million votes. All the rovers currently on mars are heavy, slow, and ill-equipped to damage one another, which has only attracted a wider audience to gamble on and purchase access to the digital event. Each machine is equipped with a harmless laser that has been dubbed as “badass” by numerous spectators excited for the fight. “It’s a real waste of time for everyone involved,” the scientist continued, “but rich people love this kind of shit so we have to do it, otherwise we wouldn’t have enough funding to get to Mars in the first place.” The losing country will be required to detonate explosives on board its rover and a crown will be placed on the winning rover by an aircraft currently orbiting the planet.

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