Cleveland Baseball Fans Furious Old Jerseys Worth More Money Now
CLEVELAND, OH — The Cleveland Indians have officially changed the offensive imagery of the team’s old mascot to the Cleveland Guardians, a move that most people have praised.
“Guardians is a more inclusive, honestly better sounding name,” Donald Bergmann, 45, a hot dog vendor at Progressive Field where Cleveland plays its home games said in a recent interview, “Some guys are pissed though, you know because they don’t understand how shitty it is to call yourselves the Indians. They should be happy because all the old Indians jerseys they bought off my buddy Matt at the jersey merch booth are worth more money now.”
Usually anything old and culturally insensitive attracts a lot of people, who would not describe themselves as racist, to defend its right to exist and combat the tides of change that ultimately bring humanity closer to becoming a higher species. Sports memorabilia experts agree this behavior works against the better interest of defenders of the Indians name because now of all their Indians merchandise will fetch a higher price online.
“Eh, they’re all idiots anyway,” Bergmann continued, “Screw baseball. All I care about is selling some quality dogs.”
The Cleveland Guardians will be fitted with their new uniforms just in time for COVID-19 variants to lock the country back down and cancel in-person games.
