Couple Confined to Apartment for Full Year Add Valentine’s Day Flare to Meaningless Cycle

Pictured: Anna Baker and Josh Vance being awake instead of asleep.

CHICAGO, IL — After a full year being confined to their home due to stay-at-home orders caused by the COVID-19 pandemic, Anna Baker, 26, and Josh Vance, 31, are planning to spend February 14th doing the same thing they do every day, but this time it will be Valentine’s Day themed. “I got some roses and chocolate from the store because it’s the only place we’re allowed to go right now,” Vance told us in a phone interview, “We’ll probably just make dinner and watch something. We’ve done that every night for the past year, so I doubt we’ll have sex.” The couple say that even though they are happy together, trying to get into the spirit of Valentine’s Day is proving to be very difficult. “We can’t even go to the fucking movie theater,” Baker told us after taking the phone from her boyfriend, “so I guess we’ll just fucking watch the news and pass out like every other fucking night. Oh yeah, and both of us lost our jobs.” Before finishing the interview, Vance revealed his secret plan to shape a heart out of cannabis for his girlfriend, but quickly played it off as a joke after realizing that it was a dumb plan that involved cannabis she had purchased.

Comedy Writer