COVID-19 UPDATE: They Really Get Up There with That Q-Tip
CHICAGO, IL — Daniel Tambs, 40, a seafood butcher at Whole Foods, took his first COVID-19 test last Thursday after he received an email stating that he may have been exposed to the virus by a coworker. “They really get up there with that q-tip, holy hell,” he told press just outside of the testing tent, “It made me have to cough, and scared to cough, at the same time.” Tambs was not told which of his coworkers may have exposed him to the virus, but he has a pretty good guess. “It’s probably Geoff,” Tambs told us, “Geoff’s an asshole like that.” Tambs laughed when we asked him if Whole Foods employees receive paid time off. “Daddy Bezos literally wants us to pee our pants at work, you think we get paid time off for COVID?” The COVID-19 test is a short procedure involving a swab that is inserted through both nostrils. “I have like a headache and shit now, dude they swabbed my brain. Oh my god, I’m sorry,” Tambs said before sneezing blood on the sidewalk pavement and laughing even harder than before, his mask dripping dark gobs of mucus and blood. COVID-19 infection rates have skyrocketed in a third wave of case surges that is plaguing countries around the world. Scientists urge people to wear a mask and get tested, even though your mask will not stop that q-tip from getting all the hell the way up your little nose and making itself at home in your deepest insecurities.