COVID-19 Vaccine to Be Distributed in Chicago with Shot of Malört
CHICAGO, IL — Mark Hooks, an emergency department nurse at Loretto Hospital, felt apprehensive about being the first person in Illinois to take the Coronavirus vaccine until one of his friends suggested chasing it with a shot of Jeppson’s Malört bäsk liquor. “I fucking tossed one back and then that asshole pricked me with the needle before I even knew what the hell was going on,” Hooks, a proud Chicagoan, reported to local news outlets, “The Cubbie bears weren’t playing so I cracked a Pabst, grabbed my one-hitter and took the rest of the day off to Divvy bike around and watch the waves crash over by the golf courses on Lakeshore Drive.” This unlikely pairing, widely referred to as a ‘Chicago Coronavirus Shot,’ was considered so effective that the combination was immediately designated as standard procedure for all COVID-19 vaccinations in the city of Chicago. “It’s a good deal,” Hooks continued, “I mean, you’re basically getting a free shot of Malört. We haven’t seen drink deals like that since the bars closed, so it’s a nice shot in the arm.” Reporters in attendance laughed at the pun made by Hooks. The first wave of vaccinations is designated for front line health care workers and elderly citizens, but the government has issued a statement promising that everyone will receive a free shot of Malört during each wave of the vaccine.
