COVID-19 Vaccine to be Dropped In Next Cyberpunk 2077 Update
WORLDWIDE — In an unprecedented marketing move, CD Projekt Red, the Polish video game developer responsible for widely respected Witcher series and the widely shit-posted about Cyberpunk series, announced today that it has acquired exclusive rights to the COVID-19 vaccine and will be dropping it in the next update of Cyberpunk 2077. “We are very excited about this release,” said Adam Badowski, 45, Director of Cyberpunk 2077, “I think it’s exactly what people have been craving during quarantine.” Cyberpunk 2077 is an open-world, action-adventure story set in Night City, a megalopolis obsessed with power, glamour and body modification. Players control the character V, a mercenary outlaw going after a one-of-a-kind implant that is the key to immortality. Players were less than impressed with its glitchy and crash-heavy launch, but the team behind Cyberpunk say they’re going to win players back. Once a player finishes the campaign missions, the “COVID-19 Vaccine” is unlocked. “All the people who stopped playing this game are definitely going to pick it up again once the vaccine update launches,” Badowski continued, “People need the vaccine super badly, so we think this’ll be good for sales. It’s probably the most satisfying ending to a game ever, and it will create a lasting effect in players’ memories that they will hopefully keep long into the future now that they are vaccinated for COVID-19.” A small needle comes out of the gaming controller and sticks into the player’s wrist to administer the vaccine. Early reviews of the procedure have given it overwhelming praise, saying it provides a level of emersion unparalleled by any other gaming experience. Players are encouraged to play the game more than once in order to unlock new pathways in the storyline and administer booster shots. When asked if consumers need to buy new controllers in order to receive the inoculations, a spokesperson for CD Projekt Red confirmed, “There have always been needles in your game controllers.” The update is scheduled to be released in 2022.
