“Earth Safe from Asteroids for Next 100 Years,” Says NASA, Reminding People to Worry About Asteroids

Pictured: Another thing to worry about.

UNITED STATES — The US space agency NASA confirmed that Earth is officially safe from the once-feared asteroid Apophis for at least the next 100 years. “We were honestly so scared Apophis was going to kill everybody,” Don Mathis, 60, a scientist who studies near-Earth objects for NASA, said in a statement on Friday, “I didn’t want to say anything, because enough is going on in the world, but since like 2004 I have only been thinking about getting completely annihilated by this thing. It feels so good to go back to worrying about Coronavirus or whatever.” Earthlings breathed a brief sigh of relief that was cut short by the sudden realization that asteroids are worth worrying about. “I completely forgot about asteroids,” Lana Bruess, 27, a bartender in Chicago, commented on NASA’s Facebook post about the good news, “I wish I didn’t even know about this. Now I’m more worried about asteroids than ever.” Named after the ancient god of chaos and darkness, Apophis is estimated to measure 340m (1,100ft) across and is widely considered to be an ‘absolute wrecking ball’ that would ‘fuck everything up’ if it hits earth 100 years from now. “I’m just happy I’ll be dead by then,” Mathis continued, “I’m literally always worried.” Disgraced Former President Donald Trump is expected to take credit for evading the asteroid during his presidency at some point in the coming week.

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