UNITED KINGDOM — Eric Clapton recently announced that he will not perform at venues that require audience members to be vaccinated against COVID-19, a move which has led to the second death of his son Conor. “We can confirm that Conor has passed away for a second time, but this time it was because of some Coronavirus his dad brought home from a show full of unvaccinated people,” the Clapton family doctor reported to the press, “first time, you know, it was because Conor fell out of a window, and that was already funny, but this time it’s even funnier, which is good news for the family at least.” Conor apparently rose from the dead during a demonic ritual that the English rock god performed at one of his racist conspiracy theorist sex-cult meet-ups. Sources close to the family have confirmed that the racist conspiracy theorist sex-cult meet-up was considered a super spreader event by the CDC because it was full of both living and dead unvaccinated people interacting and passing through each other. Conor’s body was so mangled from the fall that initially killed him that he was reportedly experiencing “excruciating, unearthly pain” before his second death, this time at the hands of COVID-19, which occurred late Friday evening. The illness worked hard and fast, taking advantage of the boy’s weakened state. The “Tears in Heaven” singer is expected to milk another boring album from this tragedy.