FAA Alters Definition of “Astronaut” to Exclude Individuals “Actively Harming Humanity”
UNITED STATES — In a move that delighted most US citizens, the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has altered its definition of “astronaut” to exclude people who are actively hurting humanity, to eliminate any desire by eccentric billionaires to receive the esteemed title. “I’m not calling that maggot an astronaut,” Buzz Aldrin, a former astronaut famed for being one of the first astronauts to walk on the moon said in a recent interview referring to disgraced former Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, “Dude can literally go fuck himself.” The decision comes after Bezos and Virgin founder Richard Branson paid their way into space flight on the backs of their mistreated employees. Each of their space flights lasted around 11 minutes and brought the real-life movie villains to the edge of space, completely devoid of any purpose or scientific discovery outside of finding out how much money it takes to go to space. In addition to excluding people who are actively hurting humanity, the new rules state astronaut hopefuls must be part of a flight crew and make contributions to space flight safety. “You got to do a little more than just force people who work for you to pee in bottles to be an astronaut,” a representative for the FAA stated in a press conference. Bezos thanked his customers and underpaid employees for the space flight in a comment that was universally regarded as tone-deaf and is now in negotiations to buy the FAA.
