Fake Martial Arts Master Gets Stabbed Like Loser
CHICAGO, IL — Malcolm Mellencamp, 40, the owner of a martial arts business in Lakeview and creator of hundreds of self-defense videos and classes that have made the self-appointed black belt in jiu-jitsu a millionaire over the course of his 15-year career, was put to the ultimate test during a recent walk home. “Okay, so when I teach people that they can repel attackers using chi, that is bullshit, I admit it,” Mellencamp stated during an interview after the attack, “You really feel like you can do cool Dragonball stuff in your mind, but wow, it’s way different when you’re actually getting stabbed.” Mellencamp was stabbed by an individual that police think may have been familiar with his techniques on his way home from a bar where he was loudly telling everyone that he can kill people using just his mind. He teaches a discipline that focuses on using ‘chi’ and yelling at attackers to repel them without ever actually touching them. In his multiple pay-to-view online videos, he shows students attempting to attack him, and his defense is simply to point at them and yell. Each of the students is completely disarmed by this approach and all of them fall to the ground as if they’ve been knocked out. This technique has been highly criticized online for being “fake as hell” and “fucking retarded” but the dojo owner still maintains there is some value to it. “It didn’t work last night, obviously, because I got stabbed like a loser, but it does work sometimes,” Mellencamp continued, “and just, by the way, I know you didn’t ask me this, but just so everyone knows, there will not be refunds given for any of my classes.” Mellencamp is expected to make a full recovery, but his business is expected to take a massive hit, although experts agree that he will most likely twist the experience into some tough-sounding bull shit that impressionable amateur fighters searching for guidance will inevitably pay to hear.
