First News Anchor Dies Covering Live Election Cycle
CHICAGO, IL — Grace Kelley, 39, a mother of two and news anchor for a popular YouTube news channel passed away during a live stream Thursday morning after covering the US election for 60 uninterrupted hours. “Her colon exploded,” Dr. Michael Phelps, 63, a doctor at Northwestern University told local media outlets, “She probably had to shit before she even started doing the live stream. She had definitely been urinating herself, but she must have been too nervous to defecate. Quite frankly, the inside of her body is a poopy mess right now.” Dr. Phelps explained that a toxic feces build-up primarily created by coffee and bagels had burst out of her colon and poisoned her blood stream. Within minutes, enough fecal matter had reached her brain to tragically end her life in front of hundreds of viewers. Fans of the YouTube news channel known for its right-wing bias, offered their condolences. “She died keeping the liberal Jew run media from falsely calling this election. She’s a hero!” one anonymous user commented on the video. “Anyone else see that bitch shit herself?” another anonymous user commented. President Trump has called for Kelley’s body to be laid in state next to Former Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Out of respect for the deceased’s final wishes, a funeral will be held for Kelley once all of the ballots have been counted and Trump is announced President of the United States.
