France Decides Raping Kids Should Be Illegal
FRANCE — In a historic decision made Monday morning, French Parliament has finally set the country’s official age of consent to 15 years old. “Kids are now off-limits you guys,” France’s justice minister, Eric Dupont-Moretti, told the National Assembly, the lower house of Parliament, ahead of the vote on Monday, “Sorry.” The law is coming into effect just three years after a similar law was denied by Parliament, which many believe shows the pressure French government officials are feeling in the wake of recent sexual abuse scandals that have rocked the country. “Used to be, you could just fuck whoever,” Pierre Bernard, 55, a wealthy real estate developer, told reporters in a man-on-the-street style interview outside of Parliament, “Age didn’t matter. Whether or not the girl you were trying to bang was your ‘daughter’ didn’t matter. You could just fuck. That is the France I love and will miss.” In addition to officially adding the age of consent to law, Parliament has declared that incest, even in the case of stepparents, will be outlawed as well, two major rulings that most western countries have had written into their laws for several decades. There is a ‘Romeo and Juliet’ clause within the law that states that an adult can have consenting sexual relations with a child if they are no more than 5 years apart. “I used to wish I was 18 again so I could have more energy,” Bernard continued, “Now I wish I was 18 again so I could legally keep banging all the 13-year-olds I love to bang. I’m going to have to be more creative now.” Most French officials believe this law is a step in the right direction though many of them have admitted that it is ‘a bummer’ and ‘just going to make everybody work harder to bang kids.’ A law focusing on whether or not employers should be allowed to masturbate in front of their employees is expected to come against heated opposition in a vote later this week.
