Gov Pritzker Plans to Attend Lollapalooza to Make it “Uncool” to Unvaccinated Youth

Pictured: Gov Pritzker thinking about Limp Bizkit’s upcoming performance at Lollapalooza 2021.

CHICAGO, IL — As Coronavirus cases begin to increase around the world, many Chicago citizens are wondering if mask mandates will be reinstated in their area, but Governor Pritzker has stated he is planning a unique way to keep crowd sizes at a safe level. “I’m going to be at Lollapalooza next weekend,” Pritzker said during a press conference where Mayor Lori Lightfoot sounded the alarm on rising COVID-19 cases, “It’s safe for vaccinated people to go to outdoor music festivals, but I think if I’m there, then it will seem uncool and even fewer unvaccinated young people will come.” The governor’s daily schedule has been mapped out for him by staffers with a focus on getting Pritzker to as many “cool” acts as possible to make them feel “uncool” so that young people will leave. Megan Thee Stallion and JPEGMAFIA are rumored to be on the list of shows to be attended. When asked which artist the governor was most excited to see, he spoke at length about how crazy it is that Limp Bizkit will be there. “Limp Bizkit is awesome,” Pritzker continued, “I don’t really know who any of the other people are besides Journey.” Sources close to Pritzker expect almost nobody at either the Limp Bizkit or Journey show to be vaccinated, making both primary targets. Lollapalooza will run from July 29 — August 1 in Grant Park.

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