Greedy Little Pig Has Job, STILL Needs Unemployment Benefits
CHICAGO, IL — Donna Sapphire, 31, lost her full-time customer service position at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic and was forced to go on unemployment benefits. “The pandemic has been really hard,” she told us in a whiny little email, “There aren’t a ton of jobs right now and the talent pool is insane. It’s really hard to find work.” Sapphire got a part time job at a restaurant and she says she initially felt hesitant about reporting her earnings. “I don’t make nearly enough money to survive, so I definitely still need unemployment benefits. The restaurant is probably going to close because of the increase in new COVID cases. I’m afraid that as soon as the government sees me making money, they’ll cut off the supplemental income I need to pay rent.” Experts agree that as soon as you make any money at all, you do not need assistance from the government. In fact, you should be paying the same taxes as millionaires almost immediately upon receiving your first paycheck, and maybe even retroactively for the time you weren’t receiving a paycheck. Whining about this like a little piggy and greedily asking for more money just to buy avocado toast and video games or whatever is the reason that CEO’s make more money than little girls like Sapphire. They know what to actually do with it. “If that bitch got any more money, she’d probably waste it on hot dogs and make up or something,” an elected member of congress who requested to remain anonymous told us in an email after we forwarded Sapphire’s whinny bull shit to him. Sapphire is currently still searching for work and recently announced that she has selfishly chosen to get pregnant with her husband. Our news team alerted the IRS about possibly needing to audit Sapphire, and the CPS about possibly needing to take Sapphire’s newborn child out of a potentially dangerous ‘poor person’ living situation.
