Gross Friend Already on Thin Ice Describes Stomachache

Pictured: Lana Castillo, talking at length about her stomachache to her friend, Isabella Melody, after already describing her diarrhea and calling Melody’s apartment small.

UNITED STATES — Isabella Melody, 27, was apprehensive to have her “friend” Lana Castillo, 26, as a guest in her new apartment for many reasons, one of which did not become evident until the end of her visit.

“The moment she walked in, she told me that she had spent the whole day pooping diarrhea,” Melody explained to her much closer group of friends in a text thread that was already roughly 35% devoted to speaking poorly of Castillo, “Then she said my apartment was smaller than she thought it would be. Who does this gross bitch think she is?”

Castillo is known for monopolizing conversations and reciting pre-prepared interactions rather than actually conversing with people, but her poor social etiquette reached new heights during her visit to Melody’s home. After talking at length about diarrhea and labeling Melody’s apartment as small and unremarkable, Castillo then got a stomachache and asked Melody to drive her five blocks away to her own apartment.

Melody maintains that their new proximity is the only reason that Castillo was allowed to come over.

“I feel bad because she always wants to hang out, but she sucks and that’s honestly her fault,” Melody continued, “When she said she got a stomachache and started describing it to me, which I don’t want to repeat, and then asked me if I would drive her home so she didn’t have to walk five blocks, I was like, I’m done. After she described her diarrhea and talked shit about my apartment. I’m like, why are you here? I kicked her ass out. She tried to make me feel guilty by saying she had to get an Uber. Bitch is retarded.”

It is unclear whether Castillo defecated in her pants during the trip home, but sources close to the young nanny say those actions would “line up” and that she would probably still say something condescending to someone on the street even with poop in her pants.

Comedy Writer