Gunman Devastated Shooting Considered “A Distraction”
UNITED STATES — Brent Summerville, 29, was apprehended Friday morning after killing 14 people and injuring 11 others with an AR-15 in a Culver’s parking lot in Skokie, Illinois, but reportedly became upset after learning that the internet was calling his work a distraction. “What the hell? Everyone thinks Joe Biden paid me to shoot people as a distraction from Del Rio?” Summerville asked authorities after seeing himself on the news during his ride to jail Friday afternoon, “I don’t even know what Del Rio is. This is insane.” The internet, most of which has been willingly infected by extreme right-wing conspiracy theories and hate rhetoric, is referring to the growingly complex Haitian migration situation currently taking place in the Del Rio sector of the United States southern border. “We have no reason to believe the shooting is linked to Del Rio. I mean, damn, I don’t even really know what’s going on down there,” a spokesperson for the Skokie Police Department told reporters during a live news conference. The video was flooded with comments all saying variations of, “NICE DISTRACTION, RIGHT ON Q!” and “Takk a lok at Del Rio, dummies?” The SPD would like to remind the public to be respectful of the fact that 14 people lost their lives at the hands of a mentally ill individual who legally acquired a fully automatic firearm through the country’s broken gun control system in this tragic incident, and that not every situation is politically motivated. Summerville has been placed under suicide watch out of caution that being considered “a distraction” will be too devastating for his fragile little murderer ego. The White House denied having ties to Summerville and expressed condolences to the victims and their families.