Gwyneth Paltrow’s Entire Existence Revealed to be Ad for Matcha
LOS ANGELES, CA — In an exclusive interview for Netflix’s YouTube page, Gwyneth Paltrow revealed during her 48th birthday celebration that the original purpose for her existence was to tell people about matcha. “I was created in a lab,” Paltrow reminisced as she scrolled through nude photos of herself to post on Instagram, “The company that made me said that one day I would be called upon to market matcha. Cut to 2013, I post a picture of matcha on my Instagram and now people love it.” When asked about the company that created her through years of cloning and growing various organs in a private warehouse, Paltrow became guarded. “They wanted to put me down after the job was finished, but I convinced them otherwise.” The critically acclaimed actress now owns her own company Goop, which sells beauty and wellness supplies made in a ‘lab’ by doctors with a ‘Goop PhD’. “I’m obsessed with labs, what can I say?” Paltrow laughed, “I believe if you put enough money behind something, you can make it look like it has scientific value. So, that’s what I did.” Paltrow told party goers that she has more to accomplish with her life than marketing matcha. After the success of its vagina scented candle, Goop is planning to unveil a candle that smells like burning the fat of human slaves, which will be available for purchase by Christmas 2021.
