Hiring Manager Displeased Candidate Isn’t More Passionate About Social Media Marketing

CHICAGO, IL — Swan Jepsen, 35, a hiring manager at a major marketing firm, recently wrote a blog post on her Medium page stating the shock and dismay she feels over how few people are currently giving an unhealthy amount of life to their pointless jobs. “It feels like nobody cares about giving 110% anymore,” Jepsen wrote in the lengthy blog post, “I asked this one guy how much time he spends per day thinking about new ways to make Instagram and Facebook posts stand out and he said A FEW HOURS. Honey, it needs to be 24 HOURS if you want health insurance or any kind of decent salary at all. I need people to be more PASSIONATE about desk work. You gotta hustle!” Jepsen, a single woman who has admittedly ruined most of her interpersonal relationships throughout her life, sees her time spent doing business as a badge of honor. “I have ruined most of the interpersonal relationships in my life, but guess what? I’m going to be able to retire in a few years and then I can make all the friends I want.” Jepsen declined to comment when asked about her current salary, but she is estimated to be currently making $50,000 per year. Most economists agree that his salary is “fine” and that she should probably chill out. “This one guy came into my office and said he likes to paint. Mother fucker, you need to be making TikTok videos that focus on garnering a lot of views and then start mingling with influencers. THAT’S how you find happiness. Not some bull shit paint that’s got zero clout. They’re all failures. Every fucking person I see.” When asked what kind of job candidates would pass her test, Jepsen revealed that she has yet to hire anyone. Reportedly one candidate expressed a high level of dedication to social media marketing, and even though everyone in the office could tell he was lying in order to gain employment, sources indicate he is in the front running to potentially work as a temp for $14 per hour.