“I Think We’re Just Going to Be Done with Hugs” Signals US Government
UNITED STATES — As pandemic restrictions begin to loosen their hold on western society, some countries are now allowing citizens to hug each other again, but the United States government has announced that American people will need to grow up and move past it. “I think we’re just going to be done with hugs, you guys,” US Press Secretary Jen Psaki told journalists during a Friday press briefing, “Because of Coronavirus, for sure, but also because come on. Do we need to do this?” Government officials in the UK recently announced that they “would like to see people touching again” and are making plans to safely reintroduce hugging into their daily culture. “That’s not going to be us. Sorry guys, but I’m not that kind of bitch,” Psaki continued during a relatively long chunk of her daily press briefing, “Some people are good with hugs, but a lot of people are weird about it so we’re not doing it anymore, alright?” Meghan Markle recently stated that she believes women have been “disproportionately affected” by the pandemic in a comment that many people are now taking to mean that women are just really happy that nobody is hugging them anymore. Despite these government-issued statements, horny people on social media have declared that they will continue to at least jack off in front of each other.