I Was Appointed by Joe Biden as His “Guy That Eats My Shit”
WASHINGTON D.C. — If you talked to me a year ago, I would not have believed that one day I would be working in the White House.
“Hey Austin?” Joe Biden began our phone call on that life-changing, unseasonably warm November evening, “How would you like to eat my excrement?” and then he took a pause.
My mouth was watering. I was ready to say yes, but I could tell he had more to say. I had been eating the former vice president’s poop for years, but simply because I belonged to a Democrat-run sex cult. Hundreds of people have eaten his poop. I never thought he actually respected my work.
“For money?” he whispered.
I dropped my newborn daughter on the floor. I couldn’t help myself. My penis was hard, and my vision blurred. My knees buckled and I fell on the ground next to my screaming newborn daughter, her skull now bleeding as if I didn’t have enough things to think about. I could hear Biden attempting to talk me down over the phone.
“Austin, you clumsy bitch,” he laughed, “what the hell are you doing? Do you want to eat the shit out of my ass or not?”
I put my free hand over my daughter’s mouth to stifle her cries as I raised the now cracked screen of my iPhone 12 to my ear and said, “I accept, Mr. President.”
Biden hung up without saying goodbye, the way he usually does per our arrangement, and I found a ticket to Washington D.C. in my email a moment later. My daughter’s mother and I, and a judge, agreed to give full custody of my daughter to her mother. Blessed with my new freedom, I boarded the plane to serve my life’s purpose in American history, and I never looked back.
I write this to you from my new crawl space living area underneath the presidential bathroom in the White House. I am a shining example of what you can become in this country if you work hard enough and slurp down enough hot brown drip from the crack of America’s richest butts.
