IL. Officials Impose New COVID-19 Restrictions Stating People Should be Super, Super, Super Careful for 3 Days and then We’ll See Where We’re At
CHICAGO, IL — With a third surge of COVID-19 infections in full swing, obliterating daily records almost every day, Illinois government officials have the difficult task of planning literally anything at all. “The numbers don’t lie,” Governor JB Pritzker told Chicago news outlets in a press conference on Monday, “So we’re going to just keep watching the numbers and talking about how honest they are, and then hopefully that’ll do something.” Governor Pritzker and Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot held a private meeting to discuss a plan for combating the rise in cases. Illinois now sits at a 15% daily infection positivity rate. “So, remember how we said you should try to be socially distant except when you need to go to work or the store, and you should also please, please, please wear a mask?” Governor Pritzker continued, “Keep doing that, but I mean like really do it for just like, the next three days. That’s it. That’s all you have to do. You can still go to work. I mean, you don’t have a choice. You can go to restaurants too. I don’t care. Then we’ll see what the numbers look like, and we’ll talk about those numbers.” A Spokesperson for the Governor confirmed that it is the official stance of the US government that if a person cannot go to work because of the virus, and it causes them to fall into poverty, it is that person’s own fault because, “… they probably weren’t being as careful as we told them to be.” Governor Pritzker is scheduled to go on vacation to Mexico over the next three days.
