Last Bit of Filthy Snow Refuses to Melt

CHICAGO, IL — Residents of Chicago and the surrounding areas have been feeling the lovely warm glow of spring pierce through their windows as of late, allowing many people to finally go outside and enjoy the world. “It was so lovely that I couldn’t wait to go outside,” Madison Briggie, 25, wrote on Twitter, “but then I saw this NASTY patch of snow and I was like, ‘that’ll melt,’ but you guys, it will not melt.” All over the city, citizens are noticing little patches of dirty snow that will not melt. The patches are stain like structures occurring at the bottom of a bigger snow mound. The snow on top is able to melt, but once it gets down to the snow on the bottom, experts explained to us that the snow is so filthy with mud, cigarettes, rocks and whatever else, that it could probably survive long into Summer. “We call that ‘little stinker’ snow,” Darrell McBride, 40, lead snow researcher at Columbia University told us in an interview, “on account of the fact that it’s being a little stinker by not melting. It’ll be like 65 degrees outside, but it won’t matter. That little stinker snow is going to be around for a long time.” Officials are urging citizens to be mindful of the last little bits of muddy snow while it goes through its slow melt, to prevent any and all shoes from becoming dirty. Officials have also reminded citizens that there is still a pandemic going on so people should probably go back inside as soon as possible.