Last Few Years Show Sharp Increase in US Deaths From Natural Causes
UNITED STATES — The news that Officer Brian Sicknick, 42, who died after suffering two strokes defending the US capitol from rioters on January 6, officially passed away due to natural causes is yet another case of this mysterious trend in US deaths. “Yep, that guy died of natural causes and George Floyd died of natural causes also,” a United States government representative told a group of international reporters on Monday, “Nothing to see here.” A wide variety of violent crimes committed by domestic terrorist groups, police officers, and civilians have been occurring recently and mostly resulted in deaths from natural causes. The designation of “natural causes” can range in meaning from being in the wrong place at the wrong time to one person hitting another person until they die. The US government is urging citizens to be extra cautious of anything that looks natural or like it might cause something to naturally happen. “If people would stop being dumb, then they wouldn’t die from natural causes, would they?” the US representative continued telling the remaining few confused BBC journalists still listening to him speak, “It’s just so sad that so many people die from natural causes right as someone is beating the shit out of them or shooting them. To have that be your last natural moment on Earth. Life is just so messed up like that.” George Floyd’s murderer, Derek Chauvin, is currently awaiting a jury to decide his fate, but sources confirm that if the jury decides Floyd died of natural causes, then the city of Minneapolis will burn to the ground due to natural causes.
