Lifelong Midwesterner Takes Comfort in Fact That It Will Be Only Livable US Region in 10 Years

Pictured: A nice structure that will probably be destroyed in a big storm coming up here pretty soon.

UNITED STATES — Donna Sutcliff, 71, has lived in the Midwest her entire life, and although she has plenty more life to live, she plans on staying put because it will be the only inhabitable United States region in the coming decades. “I was right,” Sutcliff told local news doing a story on lifelong Midwesterners, “Everybody moved to the coasts and now the coasts and the south are screwed. See you losers up here in a few years when your dumb houses burn down.” Climate experts agree that the US will see a steady increase in extreme weather conditions in the coming years. Pockets of comfortable living areas will shift north as weather extremes become even more common than they already are. The Midwest, however, will experience its own share of drought, flooding, and intense temperatures, but it will most likely be one of the last US areas to be lost to climate change. “Soon everybody is gonna move to the Midwest,” Sutcliff continued, “and I’ll be sitting on a throne of bottled water with my .20 gauge, happy to greet them.” Sutcliff’s cryptic comment indicating that she will shoot people who move to the Midwest received condemnation online, but local authorities have confirmed that she is a “saucy bird” and instances of “sass” will increase for her in the coming years similar to the increase in extreme weather conditions caused by climate change.

Comedy Writer