Local Electric Unicycle Guy Finally Eats Shit
CHICAGO, IL — Citizens of Lakeview rejoiced Friday evening after a local man whose preferred method of transportation for the last year has been a $2,000 electric unicycle finally wiped out in the street. “Watching that asshole eat shit was one of the greatest moments of my life,” Barbara Muffle, 40, a registered nurse who witnessed the incident, told reporters, “He was so up his own ass about that electric unicycle when he got it like a year ago, and we’ve all been waiting for him to just absolutely yard sale his shit all over the concrete. Finally got our wish.” After talking to a few other neighbors, it’s clear that the electric unicyclist was universally despised and truly got what was coming to him. The man of whom many people have said “I think his name is Mark” was aggressively “hauling ass” down the street to his marketing job that many of his coworkers have reportedly said he takes too seriously when he lost balance after hitting a tiny rock or something. “He acts like I’m a chump for owning a car,” another neighbor who requested to remain anonymous told reporters, “I know he spent over two grand on that shitty little electric unicycle, and look where it got him.” Medical officials have stated that Mark suffered a cut on his knee and two broken arms. However, experts agree that these habits die hard and as soon as his cut heals, Mark will probably be back on that unicycle just riding around with two full arm casts, more annoying than ever.
