Local Vegan Decides Birds Suck, Eats Birds Now
PORTLAND, OR — Dominic Bryant, 43, a local vegan in the city of Portland announced on Facebook Saturday that he will now be eating birds as part of his permanent diet. “Birds just shit and look at you all pissed off,” Bryant wrote in a lengthy Facebook status, “Fuck ’em. I will eat them all.” Bryant reportedly arrived at his decision after a large bird of prey damaged his windshield and tore the windshield wipers off of his car. The damage done to his vehicle totaled roughly $600 and required Bryant to take the bus for two days. “Cows and pigs don’t do shit like that. They keep to themselves,” Bryant continued his post, “Birds start a bunch of shit that they don’t know how to finish. Well, I know how to finish it mother fuckers.” Bryant posted a photo of himself hunting pheasant on the popular social media website. He expected an outcry of disapproval for his decision, but his friends and followers have been fairly understanding. “Birds aren’t even real!” one commenter wrote, garnering 13 likes. Bryant revealed that he now works part time shooting birds at the airport, and he says he’s never been happier. “I just do it on the weekends because I enjoy it, so I might as well get paid for it lol,” he wrote in a comment on his original post. Bryant is looking forward to his first Thanksgiving with a full turkey dinner.