Mario Crashes SUV Driving Home from Golf Tournament

Pictured: Mario, inebriated on at least five drugs including a sleep aid and two pain killers, shouting “Let’s-a go!” in an aggressive manner at authorities and locals attempting to help him.

SPORTS — After placing third in a grueling 18-hole golf tournament held in New Donk City, Mario reportedly crashed his SUV while driving back to one of his many homes located in the suburbs just outside of the bustling metropolis. “He was combative, and we found multiple empty pill bottles on the floor of the vehicle,” Police Chief Koopa reported after responding to the call, “I doubt he’ll see any time, you know, because he’s Mario, but he was pretty messed up on a few different things. He’ll probably pay a fine of like 100 coins or something.” Witnesses say the elite golfer and star of many popular Nintendo games that bear his name attacked everyone who tried to help him out of the SUV, but he was wobbly and slow due to his low health and was unable to do much more than shout “Lets-a go!” at locals and authorities in an aggressive manner. A toxicology report showed five drugs in his system, including a sleep aid and two painkillers, one of them an opioid. “He’s currently checked in to a rehab clinic in Delfino Plaza, and he should be ready to get back in front of the spotlight soon,” Police Chief Koopa said with a sigh, having already made similar speeches about Mario and his extended family in the past. Mario’s brother Luigi, who narrowly escaped death after overdosing on air-duster earlier this year, is expected to golf for him during his upcoming match against Wario, Waluigi, and Bowser. However, the odds of Luigi folding under the pressure like he’s in Paper Mario are high. The next golf match Mario is expected to play will take place in Spikey Palms, located near the rehab center in Delfino Plaza, later this month.

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