Nation Agrees Missing Couple Probably Annoying

Pictured: Brian Laundrie, 23, and Gabrielle Petito, 22, just before posting an Instagram story about fresh veggies, or coffee, or outdoor yoga, or some shit.

UNITED STATES — The newest missing persons mystery to grab the world’s attention has many people divided on speculations as to what could cause a young couple to separate and vanish. However, one thing people can agree on is that Brian Laundrie, 23, and his fiancé, Gabrielle “Gabby” Petito, 22, were probably annoying. “Gabby’s Instagram bio says ‘art, yoga, and veggies,’ and then there’s a gross picture of their dumb van that you know they thought was so cool,” Martina Ludwig, 30, a substitute teacher in Denver, said about the missing free spirits during an on-the-street interview about the case, “She is like every annoying festival obsessed girl who loved being vegetarian that I knew in college. Plus, they got engaged at 22 and 23, and that’s just insane.” The couple captured America’s attention when, after departing for a cross-country campervan trip in July and documenting their adventures on social media, Laundrie returned home without his fiancé Petito and reported her missing. He would not speak to police, even after Utah police released bodycam footage of a possible domestic abuse situation involving that couple. Now, Laundrie has been reported missing as well. “Even the name Laundrie sucks to read,” Gina McBride, 28, a dog walker in Chicago, said when asked about the couple, “I saw a video where Gabby did ‘morning yoga’ and then made coffee and drank it like it was the elixir of life or some shit, with her huge sweater shirt sleeves wrapped around the mug. Honestly, I’m glad they’re missing.” Nothing else is known about the couple at this time, but their families are cooperating with police and have confirmed that the two recent college grads are annoying. Authorities are urging anyone with information on particularly cringe stories about the couple being annoying to contact them immediately.

Comedy Writer