UNITED STATES — Members of Christ’s Unitarian National Trinity (CUNT) church in Iowa have recently reported that their pastor, who refers to himself as Dr. Petey, has been doing a weird “pastor swagger” thing that “all those rock-star pastors do.”
“He waggles his head and tries to have all this swagger when he talks now like he’s a stand-up comedian or something,” Genevieve Thompson, 40, told local news outlets, “It’s just weird. Like, he’s this lame white guy, but he believes he’s a rock-star at church, and I think it’s because he’s molesting kids. Gives me the creeps. I’m just glad I don’t have kids, so it doesn’t affect me at all, but still, weird.”
Dr. Petey has refused to comment on allegations that he has been performing sermons with the off-putting “pastor swagger” that is normally found in older men who are trying to emotionally damage and physically take advantage of vulnerable and easily influenced members of the church who may or may not be children.
Other churchgoers described the self-titled doctor with a mysterious past as making jokes with punchlines that are basically, “fellas, would your wife ever let you do this?” when it’s clear that he has never had a meaningful relationship with any woman outside of his “battle-ax of a mother.”
No matter how his congregation may feel about him, Petey has become a rising name in the ranks of clergymen around the nation.
“He’s so cool,” one pastor from New York who requested to remain anonymous, told news outlets covering the story, “He looks awesome on stage, swaggering around like a rock-star, and all the kids are absolutely terrified of him. He molests kids left and right and they don’t tell anybody. I, uh, oh fuck, actually, don’t print that. He’s a rock-star for God. That’s all I’ll say. And he’s really mean to kids when they need to go to the bathroom too. Just a dream pastor.”
Police are currently investigating Dr. Petey for evidence of pedophilia, but their presence has reportedly only increased the amount of “pastor swagger” exhibited by the unsettlingly spry 60-year-old man of God during his sermons. After surviving two separate attempts on his life by fathers of children in his after-school program, Dr. Petey announced that he will soon be “moving” to Florida to continue “spreading the word of God.”
Police have issued a statement claiming that the two men who attempted to kill him will not receive any punishments and that although law enforcement does not currently have enough evidence to arrest him, acts of violence against Dr. Petey will now be legally permitted within Iowa state lines.