Peloton Issues Warning Regarding Treadmills “Literally Eating Children”

UNITED STATES — The Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) has reported 39 incidents, including one death, of which it is currently aware that involved the Peloton Tread+. “It literally ate my kid,” Marc Donovan, 39, told CPSC during a product evaluation, “It wasn’t even turned on. My kid just walked by it and the next thing I heard was a bunch of obnoxious chewing and then a loud, cartoonish burp and I looked over and the treadmill burped up my son’s shoes. They plopped on the ground where he last stood. It said, ‘Mmm tasty!’ afterward. I at least want a full refund.”

Peloton confirmed the death, as if the child would be alive otherwise, and issued a warning against children using the machine. “As expressed in the safety manual that comes with every machine, the Peloton Tread+ survives by consuming small amounts of protein that it collects from either sweat or bugs that crawl around it. If a room is kept too clean, the machine will get hungry and attack children and small animals. It has always been Peloton’s promise that a machine will never attack its owner unless it has no other option.”

Peloton gained popularity throughout the COVID-19 pandemic when most of the world’s gyms were closed. It is now growing in popularity with the lesser-acknowledged ‘adults who want to kill their kids but don’t want to get arrested’ demographic. CPSC has issued a public safety warning and is urging consumers to avoid purchasing Peloton products and get rid of any currently owned products. Wildlife officials have reported that a Peloton Tread+ could, “eat a deer no problem,” and releasing them into the wild would be catastrophic. CPSC Officials are hoping to euthanize every Peloton Tread+ before any of them can get loose into the fragile and rapidly receding wildlife ecosystem of the United States.