Peloton Issues Warning Regarding Treadmills “Literally Eating Children”

UNITED STATES — The Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) has reported 39 incidents, including one death, of which it is currently aware that involved the Peloton Tread+. “It literally ate my kid,” Marc Donovan, 39, told CPSC during a product evaluation, “It wasn’t even turned on. My kid just walked by it and the next thing I heard was a bunch of obnoxious chewing and then a loud, cartoonish burp and I looked over and the treadmill burped up my son’s shoes. They plopped on the ground where he last stood. It said, ‘Mmm tasty!’ afterward. I at least want a full refund.”

Peloton confirmed the death, as if the child would be alive otherwise, and issued a warning against children using the machine. “As expressed in the safety manual that comes with every machine, the Peloton Tread+ survives by consuming small amounts of protein that it collects from either sweat or bugs that crawl around it. If a room is kept too clean, the machine will get hungry and attack children and small animals. It has always been Peloton’s promise that a machine will never attack its owner unless it has no other option.”

Peloton gained popularity throughout the COVID-19 pandemic when most of the world’s gyms were closed. It is now growing in popularity with the lesser-acknowledged ‘adults who want to kill their kids but don’t want to get arrested’ demographic. CPSC has issued a public safety warning and is urging consumers to avoid purchasing Peloton products and get rid of any currently owned products. Wildlife officials have reported that a Peloton Tread+ could, “eat a deer no problem,” and releasing them into the wild would be catastrophic. CPSC Officials are hoping to euthanize every Peloton Tread+ before any of them can get loose into the fragile and rapidly receding wildlife ecosystem of the United States.




Love podcasts or audiobooks? Learn on the go with our new app.

Recommended from Medium

An Introduction to State Soils

Join TheHungryJPEG’s Challenge For Plastic Free July: Personal Refuse for Global Change

Time to take the blinders off, climate change is a clear threat to the bottom line

COP 26: What happened and why should I care?

How whales are crucial to the world’s oxygen levels

An aerial image of a green cliff overlooking the beautiful blue sea.

This Place Will Burn: Map Shows More Large Fires for U.S.

What is the future of mobility that India could aspire to?

Bamboo, the builder

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Austin Mooney

Austin Mooney


More from Medium

Are zoos ethical? The pros, cons, and nuances of keeping animals in zoos

Introducing It’s OK To Ask: A Kids Advice Podcast

Who Rules Philanthropy?

Cooking With Paris (Hilton)