“Sorry We Lied, Trump Actually Won,” Every Major News Network Apologizes

Pictured: Lifeless people
Pictured: Lifeless people.

WORLD NEWS — Just moments after Joe Biden was announced the 46th president of the United States, amassing over four million more votes than the incumbent Donald Trump, Republican interest groups uncovered a bombshell. “All of Biden’s votes are fake,” Karen Butler, 60, spokesperson for Christian Unity Network of Texas (CUNT), told CNN on Saturday morning, “and all of Donald Trump’s votes, which there are actually more Trump votes than Biden’s votes, I don’t know if you know that, are real.” This information came as a major shock to media networks across the globe that called the race in Joe Biden’s favor only a few minutes prior. “There isn’t any hard evidence to back up the claims made by the woman from CUNT,” a CNN spokesperson told our team, “but I think it’s safe to take Republicans at their word. They seem really sure about it.” News stations across every nation have released apologies and corrections citing that Donald Trump is actually still the standing US president and that all of Biden’s votes are fake. “I just think it’s great that the media is actually doing the right thing for once,” Butler told a group of fellow CUNT members before bringing Rudy Giuliani on stage to speak in front of her personal garage door in Ely, Nevada. Republicans are expecting Biden’s team to take legal action against the decision like ‘a bunch of whiny babies’ any day now.

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