Spouse Agrees A Little Too Excitedly to Watch Snyder Cut of Justice League

CHICAGO, IL — In what was expected to be an empty gesture, Derrick Lambert, 35, asked his wife Bethany Lambert, 30, if she wanted to watch the newly released, four-hour-long recut of Zach Snyder’s Justice League on HBO Max. “She was so excited to watch it,” Lambert said in a text message to his friend, “Like, too excited. It caught me off guard. She normally hates superhero stuff. It honestly made me wonder if she’s cheating on me.” The movie, which most fans have dubbed ‘too long’ and ‘Aquaman sucks’ depicts the original vision of the director Zach Snyder in the most painfully drawn out and slow-motion-y way possible. “She was in a great mood during the whole movie,” Lambert continued in his message thread, “Even when fat Batman has that lame-ass dream for like 15 minutes at the end and Joker and Deathstroke are both there for no reason, she was loving it. She said ‘cool’ when Martian Manhunter showed up. I really think she’s cheating on me.” Sources close to the couple confirmed that Bethany has never shown interest in superhero stuff before, and Derrick cheated on her once like two years ago, so her shift in mood does make it seem like she probably got banged out by one of her friends or something earlier in the week. Bethany reportedly asked for a divorce during breakfast the following morning after the viewing. The Lambert’s are expected to finalize their divorce within the next couple of days.