Study Finds Despite Working from Home with Lights Turned Off, Air Pollution Still Your Fault
UNITED STATES — Despite working from home to combat the spread of COVID-19, often with the lights turned off to save energy and money, miraculously, a new study has found that air pollution is still your fault. “Neither I nor my wife drive, and we try to recycle everything we can,” Mark Buckley, 38, told a local news station near his home, “We just started composting too, but apparently I read that I’m still causing too much air pollution. I guess it’s my fault that my kid has asthma, although I don’t really know how.” A study sponsored by numerous major oil and industrial companies, manufacturers, anonymous billionaires, recreational space exploration companies, and members of Congress, has reported that 99% of air pollution “comes from you and your greed.” The “you” in that sentence has been left up to interpretation but the World Health Organization (WHO) has confirmed that it believes the study is attempting to shift blame from the groups most responsible for destroying the planet to individuals who generally have a benign impact on the environment. “I guess we could stop having internet. Would that help?” Buckley sarcastically suggested, “I really don’t know what else we can do here. Oh, I know, maybe I shouldn’t burn more fossil fuel than the average car can burn in over two centuries by taking my dipshit billionaire friends to space for eleven minutes. Would that help? Maybe I should destroy the company I own known as Amazon. Would that help?” Buckley’s microphone was quickly cut off, but witnesses to his rant reported agreeing with him and thinking he had funny timing kind of like the late great comedian Norm McDonald. Although the “study” was almost immediately debunked and disproven by internet sleuths and WHO officials, the horrific organizations who funded it have taken the “silly rabbit” defense and will not be facing any repercussions for spreading false information to protect their financial interests and stranglehold on average American citizens.