Study Finds Millions of Unemployed Americans Need to “Stop Being Losers”

Group of unemployed losers standing around doing nothing.

ST. LOUIS, MO — A research team at St. Louis University recently published a study finding that unemployed adults aged 18–65 are only unemployed because they choose to be that way. “Race, gender, whatever else, none of that matters,” said Dr. Phil Kane, 60, head of the research team credited with the discovery, “If someone can’t find a job immediately after graduating from his or her local four year university, then it’s because he or she is being a loser.” The study examined ten white people, five men and five women, all of whom are currently employed at SLU. “We didn’t really want to go out and find strangers,” said Dr. Kane, “We just used people we knew around the school. Two of them are my neighbors, which made it easy. They all have jobs, so we concluded that everyone else should too.” Since publishing the study, numerous critics have spoken out against the team’s findings. “What the hell is?” wrote one of the nation’s top economists Damen Wyatt, 45, in a scathing Twitter post, “That isn’t how anything works. I straight up don’t have enough words or time for this.” Wyatt then posted a list of books people should read instead of the SLU study. President Donald Trump praised the study by retweeting it, and then mentioning it as ‘hard facts’ on Fox and Friends later that day.

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