“Sure, We Can Ruin Cannabis” say Major Tobacco Companies
UNITED STATES — Due to the constant pursuit of increased revenue and profits at the expense of their consumers, major tobacco companies across the US have laid out plans to ruin cannabis now that it’s growing in mainstream popularity and has shown itself to be a sizeable money maker.
“Sure, we can ruin cannabis. I don’t care,” Jacek Olczak, 56, CEO of Philip Morris said in a recent interview, “I don’t really like weed anyway, or cannabis, whatever, so that makes it easier for me to make it worse, as we did with cigarettes, you see.”
Over the last century, major cigarette manufacturers have been the targets of public safety complaints and lawsuits for the harmful chemicals they add to their tobacco products. The rise of vaping curbed the use of those harmful chemicals, and tobacco companies realigned their business accordingly, so as not to lose out on any profit from loyal smokers.
Recent studies show that cannabis poses a significantly smaller risk of health effects than tobacco, but now that it has become widely legalized and regulated, tobacco companies are chomping at the bit to ruin it.
“We’re thinking about making, like, a pack of joints, but they all have shitty filters and there’s poison in it, or little shards of glass, or something,” Olczak continued, “I don’t know, I’m just spitballing here, but we’ll do something like that. Something with poison usually works. We kind of just throw poison in for the hell of it. It’s our style, I guess. I don’t know, I honestly just let other people do my job for me, so this interview is kind of catching me off guard.”
Every major tobacco company is planning to release its best attempt at a bad cannabis product of some kind, most likely containing poison for no reason at all, or purchase an existing cannabis company and transform it into an ash pile of its former self within the next year.
