Texas Introduces Historic ‘Anybody Can Sue Anybody for Whatever and It’s Fine’ Law
UNITED STATES — On the heels of issuing the most restrictive, absurd, and enraging abortion law in the United States, Texas lawmakers have now delivered their final blow against the citizens they are sworn to service.
“With this new law, basically anybody can sue anybody for whatever and it’s fine,” Texas Governor Greg Abbott (R) said in a press conference after the law was passed, “We think it will perfectly fit in with our ‘everybody can have guns no matter what’ law and the awesome new ‘women don’t have a right to their own bodies and we can actually sue them for trying to’ law that everyone seems to love. Shits about to get wild.”
Texas recently passed a law that makes it possible for “bounty hunters” to sue care providers they think facilitated abortion and reproductive health services to pregnant women, even in instances of rape, incest, or any other reason a woman may have to terminate a pregnancy that is nobody else’s business but hers own, and lawmakers say that this new law is an expansion on it.
“You could pretty much sue anybody for anything before,” Abbott continued excitedly, “I mean, Texas is fucked up. But now you can really just like, go off, as the kids say. I mean, if you have a problem with someone for any reason, and I mean any reason, you can sue them. If you don’t shoot them first, that is. Women could even sue the people who sued them for having abortions. Wouldn’t that be funny to see? Between you and me, I don’t give a shit about abortion. Lord knows I’ve paid for my fair share. I just like chaos, and this law is going to really intensify the insanity already brewing throughout Texas. You can’t see it because I’m in a wheelchair, which is like, thank God because it’s my only redeeming quality, but I’m hard as hell right now.”
The governor was then led away from the microphone by his aids but released a statement online confirming that he stood by his remarks. Texas lawmakers have set the law to come into effect next week when their transformation into a chaotic evil entity like The Joker from Batman will be complete.
Mass protests against the historically poor choices made by the Texas government are set to continue until the state either becomes its own country or the rest of the US decides to terminate it like an unwanted pregnancy that threatens to kill its mother.
