Threads Helps 30 Million Users Realize They Never Even Liked Social Media in First Hour

Austin Mooney
3 min readJul 6, 2023
Pictured: Some other god damn thing now.

As Meta’s new “friendly” rival to Twitter, Threads, opened to a “sizeable” “audience” on July 6, early adopters of the “newest” social media, uh, “place” are realizing in droves that not only is it “dumb,” but they actually never liked any form of social media in the first place.

“All of these apps are fucking stupid,” said Colleen Ballinger, 36, a nurse in Idaho who is not related in any way to the disgraced YouTube personality despite having the same name and age.

“I know I only have a couple hundred followers on here because they think I’m that pedophile ukulele bitch or whatever from YouTube, but this shit is and has always been fucking dumb as hell. Everyone posting is dumb, everyone liking posts is dumb, and everyone hating posts is dumb. Everyone is dumb using this thing. I feel dumb. Fuck. Also, I’m not Miranda Sings, so stop coming for me. I’ve never group chatted with kids or rode in a car with Jerry Seinfeld in my life.”

Pictured: The YouTube personality Colleen Ballinger, 36. Couldn’t find a good picture of the other Colleen quoted in this article.

Although she vented her anger toward social media on Threads and continued to keep her Threads account and share her follow QR code and badge on Instagram, the young nurse has committed to filling the space with hatred for the space. And she isn’t the only one.

“People using Threads are retarded bro lol fr,” said Pablo Rodriguez, 29, an engineer in Rhode Island, in a Note on Instagram, before realizing that he was feeding into the same beast that he was criticizing and deleted the Note. He then deleted the Instagram app from his phone.

However, he did not fully delete his Instagram profile because he did not want to lose a video of himself “cheersing” a glass of brown liquor that had 257 views and, as he reportedly told his cowokers, “looked awesome.”

A ripple effect is now being seen across all social media apps. Twitter’s fall from grace may have been the catalyst for people logging off, but Threads is the final death knell for all social media apps. After scrolling down a hollow shell of a Twitter copy populated for another “first time” by the same voices, as if it’s the seventh iteration of the matrix, as seen at the end of “Matrix Revolutions,” the trigger was pulled.

Like the many triggers that are pulled throughout the “Matrix” trilogy, most specifically, “Matrix Reloaded,” which has the most gunshots of all of them, I’m pretty sure. I’m not counting the body suits from the third one that shoot the big machine guns in the battle for Zion, though. Remember those? Mouse has to control one after his commanding officer gets killed by a sentinel. Those don’t count. I’m talking about, like, bullets that exist in the matrix proper. Not the real world. Virtual bang-bangs (gunshots). You get what I mean if you’ve seen the movies.

Pictured: These guys. These are the things I’m talking about. I DON’T mean these. They shot a ton of bullets. If we were talking about bullets shot in the matrix AND the real world, then the third movie would obviously be the one with the most gunshots. But I mean JUST matrix bullets. So, it’s probably the second one.

Anyway, I kind of lost my “thread.” Lol, no, but I really did. I for real don’t remember what I was talking about. Fuck. I had something I wanted to say. What was it? Uhm. Huh. Oh, uh, yeah, social media sucks. I guess that’s what it was. But I’m probably going to post this on Instagram, so what the fuck am I even talking about.

How are you enjoying Threads? Let us know by writing a “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”-style tagline using the word “thread” below!